Friday, May 15, 2009

How to became a supercar manufacturer in 3 easy steps

I was searching some new car for one of those clients that say "yes it has all these features I'll never use and the wiper blades are made of solid gold, witch is fine because in my country never rains, buy it's still not expensive enough". All I could come up with are the same old Lambo's for american pop idols or middle eastern AMG's so heavy with diamonds that can barely make it to 150Km/h. I then turn my attention to the niche manufacturers, the ones children decorate walls with. That's how I came up with this guide that can turn anyone into a supercar manufacturer in less than 3 weeks and under 3000:

STEP1
Buy or borrow a computer
Any computer will do, even a laptop. You can find on the net, open source professional 3D software but if you're to lazy to learn Blender there are people that just use paintbrush. Half the pictures on teenagers walls are just that: pictures. They are as close to entering the production as I am to wining the marathon. All you need to do is draw some huge wheels and some doors that open in a more complicated fashion than a Nijinsky performance at Ballets Russe. Add some gargantuan wings and cover everything with carbon fiber texture. You now have a "concept car". You will proceed to find a name. Since the more famous ones like Bugatti or Ascari, are already taken and/or protected you can try an obscure garage dead for 30 or so years like Veritas or Voisin. Or be bold and put your name on the car however unpronounceable may that be. If Koenigseggrtssggmlgrstt can do it why can't you?! (investment - 0 - €200)

STEP2 Media buzzThis is the expensive part. Now, endowed with a name and a pretty picture for your supercar, set up an internet site (any teenager can help you for under €200) and call a press conference to announce the price and production date. The price should be no less than €1.500.000 and the technical specifications should be as evasive as possible but contain something like "23 cylinders with 7.3 valves/cylinder and over 2000HP from a Helium Engine". It helps if around the date of the press conference you crash a rental Ferrari while driving drunk with 2 naked strippers around Monaco.
For the press conference itself find a derelict farm in France and declare it's the birthplace of the famous tram driver or blacksmith your car is named after. Buy some sparkling wine (€3 at supermarket) some chips and biscuits. Borrow tableware from a wedding firm and a few bottles of Mo√ęt & Chandon or Veuve Clicquot for display. Attention, if someone's trying to give you Billecart-Salmon or Bruno Paillard because they're better don't take it. They are better bur your gussets won't recognize the names. Dress sharp (outskirts of Milano - €20) and preferably show up with the stripper that wares cast collar so you can tell again the story of you famous crash (investment: 400 - €1000).

STEP3 International investmentWith any luck, after your press conference you or your stripper well be invited at some ukrainian demigod villa that might also place an order for your supercar. With the down payment you'll rent a garage and buy a second hand Mitsubishi Eclipse (350) and some fibreglass body-kits to build your car. If you manage to get more than €50.000 in downpaiments you can even commission a special body from a studio that has leftover designs in storage. With a second hand american V8 engine and drive-train (€200) you now have a "rolling prototype" to be paraded around autoshows. Depending on your budget you can go to the big events like Geneva or Paris or just to the lucrative ones like Kiev and Kuwait. Look sharp (see Step2). This is where you'll meet your fortune, your international investor, your true god. He will most probably be of slavic, vedric or islamic descent. He will buy your company for a few milions (the semi-defunct TVR went for 15mil pounds to Abramovich's friend Nicolay Smolenski). He can also keep you in charge for a nice salary (Victor Muller founder of Spyker cars takes 240000 from it's Lithuanian investors).

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